Some families have bad arguments that get very loud. These loud fights can be very upsetting for everyone in the family. When families break it is often because of these fights. Families, like these have a lot of trouble getting along with each other. The loud fights are a big part of the problem.
Some people break down slowly and it happens because they do not say what they think for a very long time. They just keep quiet for years. Do not express their feelings and that is what hurts them. Others crack quietly over years of swallowed words.
This is a story about Mark, Linda, and their son Ryan.
An ordinary American family.
An ordinary house.
That was an amazing moment that changed everything. It was the moment that changed everything for me. The moment that changed everything was something I will never forget. Everything changed because of that moment.
It was a weekday evening. We had just finished dinner. There were still plates on the dining table with food on them. The television was on in the background playing one of those shows that nobody was really paying attention to. The house seemed quiet. The air, in the house felt heavy.
Ryan sat on the edge of the couch scrolling through his phone trying to pretend that he did not feel the tension. Ryan had learned that skill a time ago. Ryan had to act normal and stay quiet so that Ryan would not trigger anything.
Marks father was standing near the dining table. His jaw was really tight. Marks father had a look, on his face that Ryan knew very well. The look that meant Marks father was about to give another lecture.
Mark was not a person. He worked long hours and he paid all the bills and he kept the family going. To Mark this was what it meant to love someone. Mark also believed that being strict, with the people he cared about was a way to show love. When someone questioned Mark Mark felt like they did not respect him. Mark thought that people should just listen to him and do what he said because he was trying to take care of the family.
Ryan tried for a time to be a part of that system. He wanted to belong and be like the others, in that system. Ryan kept trying to make it work with the system.
People thought that getting grades was what you were supposed to do. Good grades were not something that people got excited about they were just what was expected of you. When you got grades nobody made a big deal, about it because good grades were the norm.
Mistakes were not talked about they were remembered. People did not forget the mistakes the mistakes were remembered.
When things did not go as planned it always seemed to be the fault of him the person, in question this man, him.
That night was the moment when the frustration, with everything finally got much to handle. The frustration just overflowed.
Mark shouted that you think you can do whatever you want in this house. Mark was really upset. He said this to the people who live in the house like the people who are supposed to follow the rules of the house the house that Mark is talking about. Mark said that you think you can just do anything you want in Marks house.
The room just froze. Everything in the room stopped moving. It was, like time stood still for the room. The room was still.
Ryan felt his chest get really tight. He had heard this kind of thing before with different words but it always meant the same thing. They would say things, like Ryan is wrong. Ryan is the problem. Ryan needs to change.
Something, inside of me just snapped.
Ryan shouted back that he was really tired of being blamed for everything that happens. He felt like people are always saying that the problems are his fault. Ryan said that he does not think it is fair that people blame him for everything.
The words really surprised him. He did not expect the words to have such an effect, on him. The words surprised him a lot.
Linda, his mother came running in from the kitchen. The moment the voices got louder her heart sank. She really did not like it when people fought. To Linda arguments were news. They could hurt peoples feelings and that kind of hurt could last a very long time.
She told him to be quiet. “You are being really loud and it is causing a lot of problems for the family ” she said. The family is very important, to her. She does not want the family to have any more trouble because of him. “The family is what matters and you are tearing the family apart ” she said.
She wasn’t angry at Ryan.
She was scared.
Ryan looked at her then he looked back at his father. His hands were shaking badly. This was not because he was angry. Because he had been holding everything inside for so many years and now it was all coming apart. Ryans father was someone he had a lot of feelings, about and now Ryan was struggling to keep these feelings under control just like he had been doing for years with the help of restraint. The restraint was breaking apart for Ryan.
He said that he did not break this family his voice was loud and it was cracking. He just stopped pretending that is what he did with the family. The family is what he stopped pretending about.
The sentence just stayed there like a shock that you could feel it was, like a shockwave.
Then there was silence.
The television kept playing. I was getting really annoyed because the television just kept playing. I did not want to listen to it anymore. The television was so loud. It kept playing the same show over and over again. I wanted to turn off the television. I could not find the remote control to turn off the television.
The air conditioner hummed.
Nobody got up. People just stayed where they were.. No one moved.
Mark looked at his son. He did not see the teenager he was used to. His son was hurt. His son was very tired. Mark did not really know his son anymore. Mark saw a lot of pain in his son. His son looked like someone, to Mark.
Mark asked quietly Since when do you talk back?
The words weren’t sharp this time.
People were really confused. The people did not know what to do because they were confused about the situation. The situation was confusing, for the people.
That is the moment when everything changed completely. Everything was different, after that.
Ryan was not trying to be rude, to anyone. He did not care about winning all. Ryan just wanted to be able to breathe again.
Ryan said that since he figured out being quiet was not solving anything he has been trying to be a son. He wants to be the one, the one who does not argue with anyone.. No matter what Ryan does he is still the problem. Ryan feels like he is the one causing all the issues.
Linda felt tears up, in her eyes. She had seen Ryan struggling with things. She had not realized how deeply Ryan was struggling.
The family was really important, to her. She always thought that not saying anything was the way to keep the family together. The family was what mattered most to her. Silence was her way of keeping the family from falling.
She did not see how much it was costing her son. The cost of this was really adding up for her son. She had no idea that her son was paying so much. Her son was the one who was being affected by this.
Mark looked away. He took a steps towards the window and stared out into the dark. The thing is, being, in charge did not feel as important to Mark as it used to. Mark felt like his authority was not as strong as it used to be. Mark just felt empty inside.
I have worked for this family my life he said in a quiet voice. I think I deserve some respect from this family. I have given my life to this family and now I expect respect, from this family.
Ryan nodded. “I think you are a person and I respect you. But at the time Ryan needs to be heard Ryan needs to say what Ryan thinks and Ryan wants to make sure that Ryan is listened to.”
That sentence hit me hard. It was like someone was shouting at me. It was even worse than that. The words in that sentence had an impact on me. That sentence was very powerful. It hit harder, than shouting ever could.
Parents often think that respect from their kids means the kids will do what they are told.. Respect is not the same thing as obedience. When we talk about respect we are talking about respect. Respect means kids listen to their parents and think about what they say. Respect is when kids understand that their parents want the best for them. Parents want respect from their kids because they care about them and want them to be happy.. Parents also need to show respect to their kids to get respect from them. This is what respect is, about.
Kids usually believe that being quiet is the way to stay safe. Children think that if they do not say anything they will be okay. This is what children think: silence means survival, for children.
The gap that we have makes us feel far apart from each other. This distance is because of the gap. The gap is what creates this distance, between us.
Mark figured something out that really hurt. He knew what his son had to do. He did not know how his son felt. He knew the mistakes his son made. He did not know what his son was afraid of. Mark had been in charge of the house, for a time but he had not been paying attention to what was really going on in it. He had been making decisions without listening to his son or understanding what he needed. Mark was the one running the house. He was not really hearing it.
People did not give each other a hug. Nobody was giving hugs to anyone. The people were not hugging.
Nobody said sorry away. The people involved did not apologize away. They just did not say anything about being sorry away.
Something had really cracked open now. It was like a door had swung open and everything was different because of it. The thing that had cracked open was a change, for me and it made me feel like something new was going to happen with my life and the thing that had cracked open.
That night did not magically fix the family. The family was still the same. That night was a night and it did not change the family. The family still had problems. That night did not make the family better.
The thing is that it changed the direction.
Ryan did not talk back to be mean. He just did not say anything back to them. The reason Ryan did not talk back was not because he wanted to be rude to them. Ryan did not want to be rude, to them all.
He spoke up because the silence was really getting to him. The silence was slowly breaking him down. He had to say something. He could not take the silence anymore so he spoke up.
Families do not fall apart when someone finally speaks the truth. In fact the truth is what families like mine need to hear. When people in a family like the Smiths finally speak the truth it can actually make the family stronger. The truth helps families like them to understand each other better and work through their problems. So families like the Smith family will be okay when someone, in the family speaks the truth.
Things fall apart when no one ever takes care of the things. People just do not do what they are supposed to do. That is why things fall apart.
And sometimes the bravest thing a child can do is not running away it is saying what really hurts the child. The child is being very brave when the child says what hurts the child.
This message is for the people who really need to hear it. The people who need to hear it are the ones this message is right, for. It is meant for the people who need to hear it.
That night the house did not feel peaceful. The house was actually of scary. I mean the house usually feels nice and quiet. That night the house felt really weird.
But for the first time in years—
it felt honest.